One thankful mommy!!!!

I couldn't have asked for a better Thanksgiving. Gage started smiling up a storm around noon yesterday and didn't stop until close to 9pm.
Unheard of!!!
It was so nice to see.
He also had NO seizures at all yesterday and was awake the entire day. Again...unheard of.
I am the happiest, most thankful mom there is.

We had an amazing time at Kris' parents yesterday. There was 8 of us for dinner and Kris' mom did a GREAT job with the meal. Everything was wonderful.
All in all a fabulous day!!!!
Kris' dad took pictures of our grinning, goofy kiddo and as soon as I get them I'll post them for you all to see.
Hope you all had a great day too!!

Wills and other thoughts...

Tonight I was watching Jon and Kate plus 8...you know the couple with twins and sextuplets??? Anyhow...they had a guy come over and work on making a will with them and when they were talking to the guy about the people they chose to raise the kid's they said their reasoning was that they were the only people who would agree to take all 8 children without splitting them up. The mom then made a remark about them being the only ones crazy enough to do it.
It got me thinking...eventually Kris and I are going to need to work on a will but who would want to take our son??? To us he's wonderful and perfect and charming but does anyone else see that?? Is there anyone who sees past all the medicine and tubes and developmental delays and wheelchair and yada yada yada to see what an amazing child he is???
One of my greatest fears is Gage being left alone in this world and spending his life in a home. If there is anything I can do to prevent that I will...but how do you go about asking someone to take on a responsibility like this???
I know my parents and Kris' parents will do whatever they can but face it...they're all getting up there in age and truth be told we will probably be around longer than they will.
So how do we do this??? How do we "pick" someone without being an imposition????

In other news...Gage missed school today. He threw up his breakfast about 20 minutes before the bus was to come. Fun.
He also has the rest of the week off.
The good news is we can sleep in a bit longer than normal...the bad news is mommy is stuck in the house all week long while daddy is at work.
No bagels or latte's for me.
This is definitely one of the harder parts of being Gage's mom...i can't just pick up and go when I want.
Oh well...less than a week until he goes back and I can get my yummy bagel.
Can hardly wait.

A blog as THERAPY??

In the short time since I've created this little blog I've come to realize that I have been holding a hell of a lot inside. Anytime people would ask me how I deal with all of this I'd always give the answer of "I don't know any different" OR "I just do it...you deal with what you have" and blah blah blah. Seemed like good answers to give...right???
Good answers for who??
The people who asked them....or ME???
Seems maybe I did for me more than anyone else. You see...in giving answers like that I could convince myself that that was how I felt.

Buuuuut....here's the truth....alot of time this REALLY fucking sucks.
I mean...think about it...who would want this???
Noone.
And if you say to yourself that you would...then you're a bigger liar then I.
Obviously it's not all bad of course...few things in life are...but instead of glossing over the truth when people ask me things like how I do it maybe I should just be honest.

This blog has also made me realize that I spent FAR too much money on therapy and that this serves me better then they did...and it's FREE.
sweet.

Lord knows nothing else in my life is.

Purpose of this blog today...hmmmm...I suppose there really is none.
But hey...this is MY blog and it can be as deep and meaningful or not as I want it to be.
So there.

colds and other fun...

I know I said that I would finish Gage's story but to be honest I found it a bit too draining at the moment. I would start and stop and then start again....it's alot harder then it seems reliving all those days and moments that to be honest I DON'T want to relive. I love my child with all of my being but those days were some of the most painful, hard and guilt inducing days of my life. Does this mean I won't ever finish his story??
No way. I will finish it ONE day....just not today.

Anyhow...it seems that winter is upon us. Great.
I know most people aren't fans of winter because of the cold and snow and icky slush but for me and Kris winter brings out the worst for Gage. He seems to have a new cold every month or so and each one lasts just a bit longer and seems to take more and more out of him. He has a hard time bouncing back from each cold and I hold my breath each time that he will come back from it. He's already some colds this year...thankfully none too bad. I think if he was a healthy, "normal" child they may not have been colds at all but just brief bouts of the sniffles. His "brief" bout lasted almost 2 weeks and caused him to miss his Halloween party at the school and Trick or Treating with mommy and daddy. It's sad to think about all of the things he and us as a family miss out on...I try not to dwell on it too much but some days I can't help but think "how unfair."
I'm not one too sugar-coat things with Gagey...sometimes things absolutely suck. Do I love him any less on those days???
Absolutely not. If anything...I love him and appreciate him more because he just keeps on chugging along. Those days when I'm ready to throw in the towel I look at him and know that as hard as it is for Kris and I it has to be 10x as hard for lil' man and it helps to put things back into perspective.
But there are days when I am angry...so angry. Not at Gage of course...just at the world in general. It seems unfair and screwed up on those days that my child is sick and that there are parents out there that don't appreciate their happy, healthy children. But then I wonder if Gage was healthy would I be one of those parents?? Would I be someone who took their child's smile and laugh for granted???
I think to some extent all parents do because until you're in a situation like this you never know what you're missing.

This blog kind of took on a life of it's own today. I guess I had things on my mind that I didn't know about until I started typing. Someone sent me a message today about this blog and it being self healing in a way and I think she was absolutely right. It feels good to get these things out.