November 14, 2007

colds and other fun...

I know I said that I would finish Gage's story but to be honest I found it a bit too draining at the moment. I would start and stop and then start's alot harder then it seems reliving all those days and moments that to be honest I DON'T want to relive. I love my child with all of my being but those days were some of the most painful, hard and guilt inducing days of my life. Does this mean I won't ever finish his story??
No way. I will finish it ONE day....just not today. seems that winter is upon us. Great.
I know most people aren't fans of winter because of the cold and snow and icky slush but for me and Kris winter brings out the worst for Gage. He seems to have a new cold every month or so and each one lasts just a bit longer and seems to take more and more out of him. He has a hard time bouncing back from each cold and I hold my breath each time that he will come back from it. He's already some colds this year...thankfully none too bad. I think if he was a healthy, "normal" child they may not have been colds at all but just brief bouts of the sniffles. His "brief" bout lasted almost 2 weeks and caused him to miss his Halloween party at the school and Trick or Treating with mommy and daddy. It's sad to think about all of the things he and us as a family miss out on...I try not to dwell on it too much but some days I can't help but think "how unfair."
I'm not one too sugar-coat things with Gagey...sometimes things absolutely suck. Do I love him any less on those days???
Absolutely not. If anything...I love him and appreciate him more because he just keeps on chugging along. Those days when I'm ready to throw in the towel I look at him and know that as hard as it is for Kris and I it has to be 10x as hard for lil' man and it helps to put things back into perspective.
But there are days when I am angry. Not at Gage of course...just at the world in general. It seems unfair and screwed up on those days that my child is sick and that there are parents out there that don't appreciate their happy, healthy children. But then I wonder if Gage was healthy would I be one of those parents?? Would I be someone who took their child's smile and laugh for granted???
I think to some extent all parents do because until you're in a situation like this you never know what you're missing.

This blog kind of took on a life of it's own today. I guess I had things on my mind that I didn't know about until I started typing. Someone sent me a message today about this blog and it being self healing in a way and I think she was absolutely right. It feels good to get these things out.