February 7, 2008

They're just toys...right???

I've been trying to get rid of some of Gage's toys for some time now. It's so hard though.
Every toy I pick up makes me sad.
can remember the day we got EVERY SINGLE toy.
I can remember sitting there imaging him playing with it. I couldn't wait for the day.
I remember when we got the little basketball hoop for him...in my mind I saw him first sitting there playing with the balls...trying to figure out how to put them through the hoop. And then I saw him a bit bigger and standing next to daddy while they both played with it.
I remember getting the peek-a-blocks and how excited I was for him to discover them.
I couldn't wait for him to figure out that there was something INSIDE the blocks.
Again...I had it all mapped out in my mind.

Sadly it didn't quite happen that way.

The basketball hoop sat in the corner untouched for months and months.
The peek-a-blocks remained untouched in a box.

And those are just a couple of the toys.

For a long time I left all of Gage's toys spread throughout the house...I think in some strange way it made me feel more like a mommy. It made it easier to pretend things would be ok too.

Eventually I put them all away in a toy box in his room. Having them in a toy box made it easier to pretend as well.

In the beginning I would look at them every once in awhile and some days I'd drag out a couple and try playing with them with Gage...never went over very well.

It's been well over 4 years since I packed them all up into his toy box and sadly I know he will never play with them...I also know it's taking up alot of space that we could use for other things.

I know this.

But I just can't bring myself to get rid of them.
I can't do it.

Why not though???
They're just toys...right???

In a way yes...they are JUST toys...but they are also so much more than that.
They were my hopes for Gage.
My dreams unrealized.


farrah said...

I say keep them... xxoo

T said...

Found my way here. Beautiful post.

Anonymous said...

Keep them as long as you want to. They are not just toys. I kept some of my son's toys and newborn clothes and he is twelve. I was a teenager when I had him and very poor. I had feeling I may not have another child. I had so far to go (money, education, a partner etc...)Failed relationships and other dramas seemed to always get in the way (my parents didn't help me with my son). I would get a lump so big in my throat that I could hardly talk or swallow when my ex husband told me after we had married that he changed his mind about having kids. I would take out those little clothes and wonder if my son had ever really been that small? I was so worried and stressed that I didn't enjoy that times as much as I could or should have. I day dreamed about baby showers and everyone sharing my joy (there was no baby shower or joyful family when I was pregnant).I still have little pangs sometimes but for the most part it has all worked out. I have Jeff's kids and they have me. I still have a hope chest with Dylan's pacifier and baby rattle and some outfits. I will never get rid of them. It was hard enough to get rid of the changing table, basinet, etc... But those are my memories to keep and they are precious. From a time when it was just he and I against the world.

You are strong and you love your son. He is so lucky to have you as his mother. These pages are a testament to that love. I have so much respect for you as a mother and a person. You are your son's hero. That is something to be proud of.


Anonymous said...

every item you and kris has ever given us from gage holds a memory and a prayer. i love to see you look at jace and see the smile in your eyes and you heart as you remember when your little miracle used to wear the shirt, the jacket, the eyeore halloween costume ...and it breaks my heart to see the sadness and pain you try to hide. i have loved you for so very very long, i know you know that. i also know that no matter how tight i try to hold you, i cannot make your heart heal. but let me tell you something... i see how that little boy responds to you..to kris...dont ever lose the faith in your heart that gagie, maybe on some other level, that we may never understand... is so very there with you, and aware of his mommy and daddy. his body just doesn't know how to make you understand his love in return. your little boy has brought such joy and love, and compassion to so many, especially myself...that he could never be compared to ANYONE. gage is our gage... our gift, your gift from god. whatever the challenge..look who you and kris have become because of your son. people that may never be ...without him, because of him. just know that you three are a gift to me... i love you all so much, and wish i knew how to be there for you. i especially know that every day, no matter how challenging, is another day to share with our families and our friends...thank you for sharing this blog with me, with the world. it is special, strong people like you that give us, others the strength to get through our trials, and go on, being thankful for who we share our lives with. and baby...i too cry, every day, out of fear, out of desperation and a feeling of helplessness... but knowing who we have behind us , beside us in those most unbearable moments..will get us through.
i love you.
i always will...
i always have.